I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
wakey wakey hands off snakey
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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