Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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