My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
