sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
