You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
