im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize