I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize