Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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