Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
