Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
