Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
