I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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