her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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