we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize