Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
