Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
