that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
