hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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