Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I need to align my fucking chakras
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
