Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
