I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
