New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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