So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
