So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
