I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize