i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
