And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
