its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Even my vagina gasped.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
