Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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