OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
