Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize