My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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