I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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