Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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