ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
