I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
