Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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