I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize