i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
