i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
