i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
