What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
