i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
