dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize