Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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