20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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