i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize