I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize