he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize