I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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