There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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