just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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