Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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