This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
