shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
