god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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