Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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