so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
