Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
