I feel like abortions should bother me more
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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