Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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