I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
