She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
